Toodles

I had been reading Jean Rhys on the tube all the way to Park Royal.  It was a sunny day, the sky felt really high.  The M40 was swathed in a low, greasy haze of fumes.  I remembered coming to meet John there six years ago when we were working for that crappy silver service company.  We were both at UCL, we both had a fixation on each other and this was going to be some sort of date.  I remembered the clock at the top of the tube stairs and how I had arrived really early.  

This time was different.  I walked along the motorway feeling like I was barefoot hobo.  Something to do with the faded colour of my shoes and the spring dress i was wearing.  It was windy and made my eyes water.  

It took me a long time to find the studios.  When I arrived, it had the exciting feeling of a film set on lunch.  People milling around wearing dressing gowns with wigs and elf ears, reading bad crime novels.  Had I not bumped into the previous auditionee, I wouldnt have found my way in.  Everyone eyed me suspiciously, because I didnt have a wig on, I thought.  I eventually got shown into a room next door to the canteen where makeup and hair was being done.  I started talking to a Spanish man, topless in a dressing gown who kept on flashing his chest at me and stretching out his body proudly.  He was small and had had his hair curled to look Greek.  I later found out he was a renowned dancer with the Royal Ballet, which explained his ease with his body; at the time, I thought he was just strange.  

Philip Haas is directing a series of art installation pieces for an exhibition in Texas.  On display will be some ancient artifacts and pictures.  He is bringing them to life in film.  So this week they are filming the story etched on the side of an urn and next week they are filming the marriage of Venus.  I was going up, I thought, for the part of Venus.  I hadn't tried to look Venus-like.  I didnt know any details of the project, I thought it might be modern or anything.  Philip turned up and took me into a room to talk about the film.  He showed me the picture of the mural it's inspired by and asked if I was ok about topless nudity.  I said I was.  I noticed him glancing down at my chest, which was well hidden under a billowing, blousey, dress top.

"Fantastic!!! Well, I'm sure I can find you a part in this! Thanks so much for coming in and see you next week!!!"

I got out into that buzzing bright sunshine and walked past the cars stacked next to each other, crouching like beetles on the tarmac.  What did he mean?  Had  I just signed myself up to being a topless extra?  He wasn't offering me Venus, that was for sure.  I felt confused and irritated that I hadnt got a clearer picture.  Was there going to be dialogue?  I felt resigned to talk it through with the agency when the offer came through.

It came through today.  I had thought how depressing it was to basically be chosen because the casting director had searched 'roman actress' in google.  

"Well, they really like you!"  Vena is always cryptic and expecting you to jump for joy when she phones me with an offer.  I dont know if she does it to everyone, but i think she does it to me because she thinks i am a baby who never gets any work.

"What do you mean? Who?"

"Er... Venus!"

"They're offering me Venus"

"Well yeah!"

"Can you check because I understood they were going to offer me something different and there is some nudity so i dont want to do it if Im not featured properly."

"OK. Toodles."

...'TOODLES'; She sounded irked that she should have to do more work and that I didnt just accept it thankfully.   

"The offer isnt for Venus but it is for another good part and the nudity is only a bit of breast.  If you have any problems Lucy, the casting director, said you should ring her.''

No mention of fee or engagement dates.  I felt cross.  I wasnt any clearer.  What do you mean 'a good part', who?  Should I accept it on that basis.  It's one day and for 150£ I later find out, but do I get a copy of the film and is there dialogue?  Im a bit confused!  Should I accept it on such an unclear basis?  Good people are doing it, but is that enough?  He is reputable and good.  OH.  QUANDRY. 

Once more, with feeling.

Auditioning for a play at Southampton at RADA in Gower St was a bizarre experience.  It brought back memories of auditioning there all those years ago.  Auditioning for drama school was like auditioning for jobs in some ways, but your attitude changes so much.  At that time, auditioning itself seemed glamourous and successful; a step in the direction towards theatrical glory; now auditioning is the obstacle to my glory and success.  It is the loathed, tiresome, ritual I must pretend I enjoy and am grateful for that is actually a process of humiliation and in some cases deceit.  Oh, I have lied along with many about how 'interesting' and 'relevant' the piece is; how different and 'exciting' it is to have a 'strong female character', who has 'depth' and 'complexity'; what an unexpected 'journey' the character takes in the play.  Oh yes, all tired cliches, but I believe in them totally when I say them.  It's only the claggy, metallic taste in my mouth when I leave the audition room, dishevelled and exhausted that points to any deception and subterfuge...

Luckily today I didnt have to lie at all.  I was auditioning for Adela in 'The House of Bernarda Alba'.  I'd never read the play or seen it before I auditioned and I was very impressed and genuinely excited by the play and the character.  This would be a great experience, never mind Southampton.  I was recalled today after a good audition on Monday when I had felt the enthusiasm and respect of the producer and director, so, for a second time, I arrived at RADA, full of expectation and hope.  My levels dipped when I saw a latin looking girl slumped on the floor holding a tatty bit of sides. She smiled broadly and chatted friendlily.  I have learnt that talking to people at auditions is a clever way of loosening up a bit and appearing natural and less nervous when you go in.  You can also gauge valuable information about the job, director and so forth.  This girl told me that the girl we were going to read with had actually got the part of one of the sisters and that we were all to read off the translation that the director would give us.  This was ok news.  The previous time i had been struggling to find my cue as the other actress had a different translation.

We talked, i used her to loosen myself up on.  I couldnt properly concentrate on what she was saying thought because i could hear another girl's audition loud and clear.  She was giving it the full emotional, latin treatment.  I hated it and i hated having to listen to her.  It reminded me of what i hate about lorca productions; the thoughtless over-emoting, the screaming and the pounding of breasts and heaving of chests. AGH. I was determined not to do that.  The girl came out of the room, her eyes bright.  

"I remember you from another casting... Shared Experience?''

''Oh yeah!!!''  I said, shocked and terrified that she remembered me and I had no clue about her.  "Bit weird that was  - here, this is the translation.  You know, it was totally different from mine and it kinda really threw me!!"

We went on to talk about work, whether we had had any, what we were doing. 

"Im not being funny, but do you know the Nuffield Theatre?''

"No.."

"Well; I think it kind of shows, I mean, I dont think they would be getting in this calibre of actor usually and it just shows how desperate times are.''

This was a slightly bitter tasting thing to say really, and, I think, really tainted my mood.

I read competently but restrainedly.  I tried to resist the temptation to sound like Angelina Jolie in The Changeling...the bits that tempted you to scream, i tried to translate into menacing growls, half-aware that i was only succeeding in this a tiny bit and taking a huge risk.  I had heard what other girls were doing and if that is what the director wants, shouldnt i give it to him?  He finally cut in and gave me some direction:

"Just do the beginning bit, up to there.  I just want to see you lose it, to really let rip with it. Lets see some real latin fire.''

'Latin fire'?  What the fuck.  Latin fire is the bane of Lorca.  If he had known that his plays were considered only within the narrow context of region and that some semi-racist assumption of character trait was whitewashed all over his delicate text I think he would be stunned.  Its like saying, ''lets see some German deadpan'', or ''French va va voom''.  Ohforfuck'ssake.  There is so much MOOOORE to the play, to the characters in this world!

But  I did what he asked. What else could i do? And really it wasnt going to make any difference or make me look any worse.  I had nothing to lose, except a sense of self-credibility.  I just swung my emotions like a dead horse over one shoulder and the next.  I launched into it, full voice, lacking integrity and any evidence of three years' training.  Yes, lets stay with that - because didnt i do three years training to emerge into the acting world a different actor?  A fully realised, risk taking and responsible actor who looks for the most interesting way to play lines?  That is all taken away when someone says ''do it all really emotional''.  

"Well, that was very interesting! Thank you so much for coming.  We are recalling four other girls. That is where we are at. We are trying to build a family''  Don't sound so smug and self-important.  You're putting on a play for two weeks. '' We recalled you because we think you are capable of playing the part, its just a question of who is right.'' This already sounds like a garbled apology, please stop. ''The answer now is in the lap of the gods. NO! Actually its in our laps. But. Yes. If it works out great, but if not, then something else will happen.''  He looked at me with a mild look of surprise, his eyebrows raising; that look adults get when talking to children about something they believe they know alot about.  I wasnt sure what he meant, but i nodded effusively, like he had just clicked a part of spine back into place and now i felt whole again. "Thankyou very much.  SO great to meet you.''  I wonder, if I had a penny for every time I....